Monday, May 30, 2005

Da Vinci, Baldrick and 8-year-old musical taste

Naomi is currently trying to enter a competition to win a heap of U2 stuff. I should be relishing this. Or at least, I should be making the most of my daughter actually liking the music I like, before I slip into total uncool backwardsness. One day she will laugh at me for liking U2 and Coldplay the same way I would laugh at Mum and Dad for liking Frank Sinatra. And I will go on about "Flares will come back in one day you know!!" and she will laugh more etc etc.

But for now, my little girl and I are connecting nicely, more or less. She even asked me how Mark Webber went in the Grand Prix today. That's my girl.

What a bummer. After 25 years of waiting, Australia finally gets a Formula One driver in the ranks of the capable, and he seems to get harpooned every time the race looks promising.

Mark Webber curiously shares the same name as my year 10 maths teacher. Now that he's driving for the pommy team with the German engine he looks a chance for some wins this year but why oh why oh why did he get landed with a half-decent teammate?? At least Alan Jones had Carlos Reutemann and some team orders!!

While waiting for the start of the Euro GP there was annoyingly little to watch. But there was this special called "The Real Da Vinci Code" on the ABC hosted by the guy who played Baldrick in Blackadder. Now, up to this point, Sharon would have to stop me from throwing flammable things at the telly every time I heard the name "Da Vinci". Basically, I am sick to my small intestine of this pathetic shameless attack on Christianity written by some egomaniac called "Brown".

In a nutshell, the Da Vinci Code, despite being fiction, claims (by the author) to be based on fact. It goes like this; Jesus was just some guy who knocked up Mary Magdelene. They had kiddies. The "Holy Grail" actually refers to Christ's bloodline. Naturally this has been covered up by the big bad Church so they could use the "Jesus was God" thing to make money, build heaps of mansions and control revolting peasants. In other words, Christianity is built on a lie. Oooh, goody! Conspiracy theory!

Well, of course! After all, a bunch of fishermen from 1st century Judea were quite capable of starting a rumour that would spread throughout the entire world and still be growing after 2000 years. Why, only yesterday I told someone that the universe was farted from the backside of a massive guinea pig. I expect that alone will form the basis for a major world religion within my lifetime. Send money.

Trouble is, the so-called facts supporting this marvellous piece of god-hating speculation are not so much facts as, well, how do I put this delicately...steaming piles of Brown poo. Now, why would an author say things are fact when they are not? Your guess is as good as mine. To sell books, I suppose.

Look carefully in the background, you can see Da Vinci encoded Jesus and Mary Magdelene's grocery list. Curiously, it does not contain loaves, fishes or wine.

So, I fully expected the ABC docko "The Real Da Vinci Code" to be more of the "conspiracy theory" tripe already peddled by Mr. Brown and his mentors, Baigent and Leigh (they first dreamed up the whole "Mr & Mrs. Jesus" theory back in the 80's in the book "Holy Blood, Holy Grail"). They have absolutely NO qualifications in the areas of history, antiquities, theology or archeology. Which is good news for me, because I am writing a book which blows apart current theories on Quantum Physics, under the qualification of "science buff".

So, back to Baldrick and the ABC docko. Horror of horrors, it seems to be unable to avoid the total lack of evidence behind these theories. This objective little TV special seems to show, to a reasonable thinking person, just how pathetic the whole Da Vinci Code notion is. Even Mr Baigent was left stuttering when confronted over a lack of evidence behind his own best- selling piece of speculation. So why, I ask again, would someone claim things are facts when they are not?

Okay, I could hardly carry on more...but for a less witty and more boringly detailed account of just how wrong Dan Brown's curiously peddled version of "history" actually is, click here

Nonetheless, I am confident that millions of uninformed people have read The Da Vinci Code and are picturing Jesus and Mary Magdelene skipping down to the day care centre to pick up Junior. And, of course, the notion that a bunch of Jewish working class from 1st century AD one day thought that making up stories about Jesus being God would be a bit of a laugh and make them rich (and who would have thought it would catch on!!) sounds totally plausible, despite being completely disprovable. If all this makes you feel better about being an agnostic or whatever you are, then I'm sure The Da Vinci Code is for you.

But then, I would say that, woudn't I? After all, if I did support the Junior Jesus Conspiracy sect, I would be the target for a papally-sanctioned assasination attempt. And, it would be a swift and efficient assasination too, what with the Pope being German.

Here's a good conspiracy theory for y'all: The most powerful media in the world are, ad-nauseum, trying to destroy the credibility of the oldest, greatest and most compelling book ever written. Why? Because it gets in the way of them continually peddling trash.

But nobody will publish that. So I'd better get started on my latest book Jesus was a Gay Alien. As yet I have found no facts upon which to base this speculation, but I could always dig up Chariots of The Gods.

Funnily enough, someone recently told me about the "blurb" writer. They're the people that write the brief outline of authors on the inside cover of the author's book. They said I would be really good at that and I applied for the job with a publisher. Here's part of my submission for a Dan Brown novel;
Dan Brown's more recent works include "Digital Fortress" and "Demons and Angels". He has an eclectic background in the arts, an engaging writing style and is a gifted storyteller. He is also a scurrilous, unconscionable lying git"

Fortunately I still have my job as manager of a trade wholesale business.

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