Monday, May 30, 2005

Da Vinci, Baldrick and 8-year-old musical taste

Naomi is currently trying to enter a competition to win a heap of U2 stuff. I should be relishing this. Or at least, I should be making the most of my daughter actually liking the music I like, before I slip into total uncool backwardsness. One day she will laugh at me for liking U2 and Coldplay the same way I would laugh at Mum and Dad for liking Frank Sinatra. And I will go on about "Flares will come back in one day you know!!" and she will laugh more etc etc.

But for now, my little girl and I are connecting nicely, more or less. She even asked me how Mark Webber went in the Grand Prix today. That's my girl.

What a bummer. After 25 years of waiting, Australia finally gets a Formula One driver in the ranks of the capable, and he seems to get harpooned every time the race looks promising.

Mark Webber curiously shares the same name as my year 10 maths teacher. Now that he's driving for the pommy team with the German engine he looks a chance for some wins this year but why oh why oh why did he get landed with a half-decent teammate?? At least Alan Jones had Carlos Reutemann and some team orders!!

While waiting for the start of the Euro GP there was annoyingly little to watch. But there was this special called "The Real Da Vinci Code" on the ABC hosted by the guy who played Baldrick in Blackadder. Now, up to this point, Sharon would have to stop me from throwing flammable things at the telly every time I heard the name "Da Vinci". Basically, I am sick to my small intestine of this pathetic shameless attack on Christianity written by some egomaniac called "Brown".

In a nutshell, the Da Vinci Code, despite being fiction, claims (by the author) to be based on fact. It goes like this; Jesus was just some guy who knocked up Mary Magdelene. They had kiddies. The "Holy Grail" actually refers to Christ's bloodline. Naturally this has been covered up by the big bad Church so they could use the "Jesus was God" thing to make money, build heaps of mansions and control revolting peasants. In other words, Christianity is built on a lie. Oooh, goody! Conspiracy theory!

Well, of course! After all, a bunch of fishermen from 1st century Judea were quite capable of starting a rumour that would spread throughout the entire world and still be growing after 2000 years. Why, only yesterday I told someone that the universe was farted from the backside of a massive guinea pig. I expect that alone will form the basis for a major world religion within my lifetime. Send money.

Trouble is, the so-called facts supporting this marvellous piece of god-hating speculation are not so much facts as, well, how do I put this delicately...steaming piles of Brown poo. Now, why would an author say things are fact when they are not? Your guess is as good as mine. To sell books, I suppose.

Look carefully in the background, you can see Da Vinci encoded Jesus and Mary Magdelene's grocery list. Curiously, it does not contain loaves, fishes or wine.

So, I fully expected the ABC docko "The Real Da Vinci Code" to be more of the "conspiracy theory" tripe already peddled by Mr. Brown and his mentors, Baigent and Leigh (they first dreamed up the whole "Mr & Mrs. Jesus" theory back in the 80's in the book "Holy Blood, Holy Grail"). They have absolutely NO qualifications in the areas of history, antiquities, theology or archeology. Which is good news for me, because I am writing a book which blows apart current theories on Quantum Physics, under the qualification of "science buff".

So, back to Baldrick and the ABC docko. Horror of horrors, it seems to be unable to avoid the total lack of evidence behind these theories. This objective little TV special seems to show, to a reasonable thinking person, just how pathetic the whole Da Vinci Code notion is. Even Mr Baigent was left stuttering when confronted over a lack of evidence behind his own best- selling piece of speculation. So why, I ask again, would someone claim things are facts when they are not?

Okay, I could hardly carry on more...but for a less witty and more boringly detailed account of just how wrong Dan Brown's curiously peddled version of "history" actually is, click here

Nonetheless, I am confident that millions of uninformed people have read The Da Vinci Code and are picturing Jesus and Mary Magdelene skipping down to the day care centre to pick up Junior. And, of course, the notion that a bunch of Jewish working class from 1st century AD one day thought that making up stories about Jesus being God would be a bit of a laugh and make them rich (and who would have thought it would catch on!!) sounds totally plausible, despite being completely disprovable. If all this makes you feel better about being an agnostic or whatever you are, then I'm sure The Da Vinci Code is for you.

But then, I would say that, woudn't I? After all, if I did support the Junior Jesus Conspiracy sect, I would be the target for a papally-sanctioned assasination attempt. And, it would be a swift and efficient assasination too, what with the Pope being German.

Here's a good conspiracy theory for y'all: The most powerful media in the world are, ad-nauseum, trying to destroy the credibility of the oldest, greatest and most compelling book ever written. Why? Because it gets in the way of them continually peddling trash.

But nobody will publish that. So I'd better get started on my latest book Jesus was a Gay Alien. As yet I have found no facts upon which to base this speculation, but I could always dig up Chariots of The Gods.

Funnily enough, someone recently told me about the "blurb" writer. They're the people that write the brief outline of authors on the inside cover of the author's book. They said I would be really good at that and I applied for the job with a publisher. Here's part of my submission for a Dan Brown novel;
Dan Brown's more recent works include "Digital Fortress" and "Demons and Angels". He has an eclectic background in the arts, an engaging writing style and is a gifted storyteller. He is also a scurrilous, unconscionable lying git"

Fortunately I still have my job as manager of a trade wholesale business.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Important News!! Read immediately!!

Finally!! The moment I've been waiting for!! Life is complete!!

That's right. Coldplay have released their new single Speed of Sound.

Until three weeks ago I didn't even know they were doing new stuff until I heard somebody mention it. So I have had to cram almost two years worth of breathless anticipation into three weeks. And that's not easy.

So...I pre-booked for the single, which means you get a phone call as soon as the record store opens the crate of newly-arrived CD's. But for some reason the record store didn't call me as promised. They said it was because "some of the singles came in late". I think a better explanation would be "We are staffed by pimply, pre-pubescent teenagers whose musical appreciation is as immature as their customer service"

Coldplay. With hair.

So, finally, I got it and listened to it. Well, it proves that sometimes the anticipation is better than the event. It sounds a bit too much like Clocks. But it grows on you with it's typically Coldplay-style poignancy and almost U2- like sound. There, that's my music review for the century. Hope you liked it. I don't think that will appear on their next album cover.

Thursday, May 19, 2005

Nothing funny about this

As much as I love sitting in an office ringing people and howling at them to pay their bad debts, it's still nice to get out on the road and visit the ones who do pay. I went up to Bendigo last week. I haven't been to Bendigo for a very long time and forgot how nice it is.

That's the great thing about Victoria. There are so many nice sites all close to eachother, within easy driving distance, in theory . I say in theory because every time you actually drive on Victoria's roads there are roadworks so it takes you twice as long to get there and then you have half the time to see the nice sites. The number plate slogans here are Victoria, the place to be. Here's a better one; Victoria- It'll be great when it's finished.

And as pleasant as it was to get out, it was no consolation for a bad news week. Or month. Our little horseriding liebling in Germany has a nasty cancer and needs to have half or possibly all her stomach removed. But I won't bore you with details because most people understand it all - everybody knows someone with cancer. Dear Claudia gets a 6 hour operation on May 26th. Again, for those supernaturally inclined, please pray for the doctors etc. As I write, that's 6 days away. If she was in Victoria, that would be just enough time to drive through the roadworks to the Hospital.

Claudia and her friend called "Bundy". Which is not available in Germany. Poor Claudia! Although I fail to understand why Germans need any types of alcohol other than beer, which they drink from 500 litre vats loosely called "glasses"

So our trip in September may double as a rather long distance respite visit. Which I don't mind, of course. Once you've seen one 500 year-old baroque European village, you've seen 'em all and we would much rather see Claudia's smiling face. God willing, she will be fine and playing tour guide, albeit with a sore belly which will be unable to fit quite as much bratwurst and Bundy. This was a hell of a way to win the re-match of our August '03 Football night drinking competition. A forfeit.

Typically, this gritty little German is very up-beat and bouncy about the whole thing (I don't know the German word for "bouncy". Even if I did, it would probably mean something different) You know what I mean. She's very positive and telling us all not to worry.

Meanwhile, we are starting to convert our house into several small boxes in readiness for the big move which has now been confirmed for June 10th (long weekend. We're smart!!). I have been assured by Sharon that she has "thrown out some stuff", although with her propensity for rampant hoarding I have yet to visually confirm this. I am not getting my hopes up, and expect to move into the new house with more junk than we left with. So folks, when your house gets untidy, do as I do; buy a new one.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

So who's the Sigmund Freud??

So in the last post I bare my heart in a self-insightful manner and mention psychology. No sooner than this happens I then see that a certain person and/or people, going only by the name "pom", have been posting comments on my blog of a very over-analytical nature.

Perhaps you fancy yourself as some kind of new-age Freud, where you think every comment that I make is an expression of my repressed lust (towards my mother) and rage (also towards my mother) causing massive internal conflict.

A slightly grumpy-looking, repressed idiot thinking about doing naughty things to his mum

This "pom" (if that is your real name), seems to think they know just about everything about my own, delicate and complex nature. Well, whoever you are (actually I know exactly who you are but am feigning ignorance for the sake of humour) perhaps you never made it into university to complete your bachelor of arts. Therefore you are attempting, rather feebly, to atone for that, by fabricating some well-written but completely erroneous speculation about my inner motivations.

In other words...stop it David, making smartarse and meaningless jibes is my job. But thanks for reading my blog. You are number 4!!!!

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

"Sanny Day(s), where have you gone"...

Hello loyal blogwatchers. There was an episode of "Friends" once where Phoebe dated this psychologist and everybody hated him because he over analysed everybody negatively (by the way I am in no way confessing to being a "Friends" fan. Sharon watches it and I join her only out of love and loyalty to her, and because she is always saying we should do stuff together). ANYWAY, in this episode the psychologist says to Chandler (who is always being funny) "I Love the way you find humour and fun in everything. I'd just hate to be there when the laughter stops". This was an indictment on how people who are always displaying a sense of humour tend to be covering up their deep dark depressed insides.

My point?? Well, that little nerd psychologist looked right into my soul and described me exactly. Well, that would be so were he not just a fictional character. But still...

For me the laughing stops for a moment while I wait to hear more news of a dear friend from Germany, who is having some tests done on what appears to be a nasty illness. I shouldn't panic or get over worried. But it's bad enough that we have lost no less than four close family friends to serious illness since we moved to Melbourne. I don't have a big family. "Family friends" are like family. They're the ones we choose ;-)

This is extra tricky to deal with because she is so far away, a problem for a control freak like me.

She is a delightfully cheerful, extroverted, friendly and kind hearted charmer from the gang we met 18 months ago. We are avid penpals. This weekend 7th May she competes in her beloved showjumping comps in Saxony.

If you're reading this Claudi, good rock.

For those of you that way inclined please pray for Claudia. Because I always say, praying cannot hurt. Those who aren't that way inclined, that's okay. Just do nothing. But I do greatly appreciate those who called, emailed, smoke signalled etc and said "hope everything goes okay for your friend Claudia". That helps too. Well, it helps me!!