Thursday, August 07, 2008

Patron Saint of Drama

Our Mum has been mistakenly referred to at times as a drama queen. Hopefully this is in reference to her love for theatre, rather than a propensity for losing control of her emotions at the slightest conflict. Because she doesn't have that problem. Give it time.

Personally I prefer "Patron saint of drama".

Now, since our folks can't stay in one place for more than, oh, about 19 years (darn transients!!) they are currently selling up the place in Nairne to score a place at Mount Barker. In the process, and through various comedies involving mainly sheer fluke, Mum discovered that there is in fact a Patron Saint of Real Estate: None other than Jesus' earthly dad, Joseph.

I've already had a go at Anglicans on my other blog here so I should tread carefully, but did you know that if you bury a statue of Saint Joseph in the back yard (upside down mind you) you will have no trouble selling your house?

Evidently, Saint Joe was quite the versatile one, being also the Patron Saint of Not Being Doubtful or Hesitant, Dying Happy, and Fighting Communism (I like him already).

Mum, determined to alarm Dad by appearing as though she actually may take part in some pagan-inspired, blasphemous church folklore ritual, went looking for a Saint Joseph.

Personally I don't think God would mind if Mum and a group of equally insane friends had a Saint Joe burial ceremony for no other reason than to take the mickey out of the whole idea, possibly downing a bottle of bubbly along the way. After all, this is the same woman who names her costume mannequins and talks to them.

It would worry me more if they did it, and then the house immediately sold.

Anyhow, she stumbled across this one;

Looking very holy and clutching a stainless steel corner edge, this Saint Joseph is sold by Archie McPhee, who's promo is "Slightly less disappointing than other companies" (I like them already). Their blurb on Saint Joe is;

It's never been easier or more affordable to bring the power of a Patron Saint to your aid. Each 3-3/4" tall, hard plastic Saint comes with a 3" stand embossed with the Saint's name and a removable backdrop with the Saint's title, patronage and a prayer to help invoke the power of that Saint.

AND, they provide a copy of the traditional prayer, which is:

Most holy St. Joseph, I beseech thee to intercede on my behalf to help me find a worthy buyer for my home, preferably one who will pay full price and waive inspection. Amen

McPhee's then advises you to exhume the little effigy once the property is sold, otherwise it will keep changing hands (the house, that is). It's only $4.95...US dollars what's more, even cheaper.

And if you need more information on various patron saints, McPhee's is the place. Why, they've got figurenes of
-St Anne- patron saint of lost objects
-St Martha, patron saint of Waiters and Waitresses (some theological humour there)
-St Homobonus, patron saint of business people
-St Vivian, patron saint of hangovers
-St Clare, patron saint of television, and
-St Adrian, patron saint of butchers, arms dealers and prison guards

Plus the obligatory Jesus Air Freshener, Moses Action Figure, Jesus decorative tape, Holy Toast (like a cookie cutter- you press it into the bread, toast it, and presto! The Virgin Mary appears in your toast and pilgrims come from all over and demand you build a shrine), and then these;

"The Fighting Nun is our most popular punching puppet, and with good reason: she has a habit of fighting for what's right". Oh, dear...

But what really rocks my boat about McPhee's, even after going through the range of action figures including Edgar Allen Poe, Jane Austen, Oscar Wilde and a skydiving Sigmund Freud, is that they have a whole different section entitled "our weirdest products". And all those other ones were...?

Here you will find a ceramic smoking baby, wind-up hopping lederhosen, cow acupuncture model, yodelling pickle and a bacon air freshener. All quite reasonably priced too, I might add.
Well, Saint Joseph or not, I hope and pray M & D have no trouble selling their house. I now have some housewarming gift ideas for the new place.


Friday, August 01, 2008

Superball lament

I write this with remorse as I have just thrown a superball into my daughter's face.

It all started when Na'omi threw one of those chunky rubber superballs into the wall. On the other side of this wall was me, sitting down during my relaxing after work and not tolerating the slightest interruption phase.

I attempted to give all three kids a lecture on how they mustn't throw things inside the house because I cannot be bothered buying them another when they break this one. A house, I meant.

The lecture went quite well with all munchkins standing obediently and feigning attention. Then I tossed the ball back to it's owner as a profound act to punctuate the lecture. Unfortunately it hit Omi in the face.

I think right there my point got lost.