Thursday, April 17, 2008

Breaking up is never easy...

Hi groovers. Firstly, family news. As some of you know we've bought a small red block of land in the Iron Triangle and are waiting for builders to explain to us how much, exactly, it will cost to build a house on it. And we're still none the wiser.

Not content with simply having a stand-off with financial disaster, we went one better and stomped out to the dusty main street, spurs and all, for a full-on gunfight. We bought a horse.

Feed me! Expensively!

Well, actually she's a pony. A cute little Welsh Section B called Opal (correct stud name is "Orange Mist". Ooh-err!). Apparently I cannot ride her, presumably as she will be crushed under my mammoth-ness. But she is ideal for Omi's riding development, i.e., omi is capable of pushing this little critter around. She was better than my idea of buying a nice big macho brown animal which would buck like a bronco, rear up and whinny a lot, run like a wounded bull, and trample people. You know, one which the whole family could enjoy.

Nope. The girls decided on cute little Opal and before you blokes out there question my manhood, I plead the following; Not. My. Department.

Everybody: "Aawwwwww....."

She comes from good stock, a stud called Glen Gwin at Colac, and apparently other horsey people say she is quite well known. She is 7 y.o. and 13h. Right, that's the technical jargon outta the way. All I know is she eats like a, well, horse, needs to lose a few pounds, and if you slap her on her big fat bottom she runs away.

It also means we finally get to use the pinkie-coloured straps and horse blanket which god-mum Katie H sent Omi (three times). I really should brush up on my equestri-speak.

Oh yes, and Becky's doing dancing lessons and Sammy's learning tennis. You know when they say the eldest child gets all the attention? They're right.

I had my first race of the season at Calder Park for the Vic Club series and, as comic book guy says; "Worst...meeting...EVER". I got bashed from pillar to post, reminded that as sophistimacated as I make it look, superkarting is, basically, feral. To try and salvage some elegance for the racing website, I wrote a little article on the old Aussie Grand Prix days at Lobethal. Swotting for it was quite the eye opener. Motor racing was brave stuff in the first half of the 1900's (as opposed to now, when it's just plain stupid). Brave stuff indeed. I am now officially disappointed with my parents that they didn't have me 30-40 years earlier. Shame on you, Mum. And shame on you for this...

...a photo which looks eerily similar to this

Since when did you have Leftist leanings?? Or, more accurately, Leftist "slouchings"?

Speaking of which, I received a very important fax at work the other day (yes, I do attend a job occasionally). It said:

MELBOURNE CARBON TRADING EXPO!! Does YOUR business measure up?? Come to the Melbourne Carbon Trading Expo, a true business to business trade show where you'll find over 50 exhibitors who can help YOUR business CUT your carbon emissions, helping reduce your impact on Climate Change and save you money! Sign up now for free attendance...

I had cleared all available diary space to be able to attend this event, as I am very keen to learn how we can run our business premises entirely on lentils. But examining the flyer more carefully I couldn't find where it said attendance was compulsory. How disappointing. How else are we environmental vandals going to learn to contribute to The Greater Good TM unless we are gently encouraged to be forced to attend a carbon trading expo? Next year's Carbon Trading Expo had better be mandatory. If it's not, they're missing the point.

Still, being keen to reduce my impact on climate change TM, contribute to the Greater Good TM and raise awareness TM, I filed the flyer in the appropriate pigeonhole

It's good to see Chairman Kevin tirelessly promoting thinktanks, groupthinks, talks and summits. Evidently by month three of Chairman Kev's control takeover he had already formed 47 committees to talk about stuff. Forty-seven. That's the great thing about Kev. He lets everybody talk (except his own ministers).

As I write this, the coming weekend sees the much-talked-about, talk-of-the-town talk-fest of talky talk-ness, Kevin 07's '08 2020 Summit. I'm not sure if that last number represents a date, or the running total of Kev's summits thus far. This summit is all about "Fresh ideas for Australia's future" and "raising awareness of relevant issues".

Yep. "Raising Awareness" TM. About, what, things like Climate Change? Well, the only people who haven't heard of "Climate Change" are guys called Gilligan and the Professor, people in comas, and some Alaskans.
But sure, why not raise more awareness. Many of Chairman Kev's hand-picked "Best and Brightest" (I take it that is now a trademarked term) are from SUV-driving green elite groups.

Chairman Kev. Doing it For The Children (TM)

And sure, brainstorming ideas is a great, um, idea. In fact isn't that why we have the public service, Cabinet, and Parliament sittings? And MP's? And their constituents? Nope. better still, assemble a massively expensive group of Chairman Kev's hand-picked and approved greens, jaded journalists, scriptwriters, prostitutes, potty-mouthed university radio announcers, lawyers, new-age spiritualists and actors to bring fresh ideas. The same fresh ideas they've all been brainstorming loudly and annoyingly for the last gazillion years.

Yep, as Chairman Kev says, having this Summit, is "throwing open the doors of democracy" putting pivotal national decisions into the hands of smug people we didn't vote for.

Don't get me wrong, I love Cate Blanchett. She's gorgeous, and she was hauntingly fantastic in Tom Tykwer's Heaven and quite brilliant as Hepburn in The Aviator. But if she keeps bleating about how taxpayers should fund more artists making movies that nobody wants to see, I'll cave in and buy an Australian Idol CD just to demonstrate that popular and commercial are NOT always dirty words. Cate, baby, if an Aussie movie bombs at the box office, it doesn't mean artists need more government money. It means they should learn to stop making crap.

Like this

Yep, if anyone can be "Australia's Best and Brightest TM", and bring "fresh ideas" vital to our national welfare, it's someone whose primary job is to pretend to be someone they're not.

Now, my last rant, and for a bit of a change, I want to extend my hand of solidarity to homosexual couples everywhere (some of whom I'm sure were at the summit). For years now, "gay" couples have fought pain, persecution, discrimination, banishment, disease, depression, AIDS (a disease created by Zionists), libel, stereotyping, headaches, migranes, coughs, colds, ingrown toenails and all sorts of other nasty redneck things, in their rightful class struggle to be married just like the rest of us imperialist, conservative straights. There has been many a public protest on the issue, involving anything from shouting loud, poetic slogans to displaying big, meticulously prepared banners, to baring boobs... all for Raising Awareness TM of course, as opposed to narcissistic exhibitionism.

In fact, I'd have joined them in their public protests if I hadn't been so darned busy working a normal job, staying with the one woman, raising a family, giving children the mother/father relationship they are psychologically proven to need, contributing to the economy, and so on.

Anyhoo, FINALLY, in some states in the USA at least, their struggle is being won. They are triumphantly walking down the aisle and getting hitched, legally. Huzzah!

Sadly however, and as a damning indictment on our homophobic, backwards society, they now have to fight another struggle to get divorced.

This kind of glorious irony is a bit like watching those groin-crushing incidents in Australia's Funniest Home Videos of Kids Seriously Maiming Themselves. You know you shouldn't enjoy it, you know you mustn't laugh. But you can't help it.

With so many people going from being gay, to married, to divorced, it may help explain why this girl here...

...can't find a man. Certainly this particular photo offers up no explanation whatsoever. Our gorgeous, street-smart godsister Katie has talents ranging from savvy wordsmith to brutally honest fashion critic, and she is bafflingly single. Clearly this is a problem. A big, inexplicable problem. And it requires a big solution. And I think I've found it...

We're going to place Katie's personal welfare in the hands of 1000 of Australia's best and brightest poets, actors, human rights activists, hemp-smoking lentil-eating SUV-driving greenies, jobless political dissidents, public servants and gay divorcees, and hold a summit. And if that doesn't work we'll just have another one. Next week.

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