Sunday, August 27, 2006

Special Father's Day edition!

Okay, so with Father's day coming up I thought it would be ideal to hustle on the "backyard structure formally known as the studio". After all, I worked out that most normal dads spend their weekends doing stuff, with the toolbelts and the hammers and the building and the power tools and the hurrrrr-ting...

So I did those exact things. I needed to get off the couch, since I've been watching way too much TV on the war in Lebanon, and the mass media / UN outrage over Israel's "disproportionate" military response to Hezbollywood's attacks.

Too right, and I hope those bullies Israel have learned their lesson: the next time Hezbollah rain 4,000 missiles down on them for 12 months, they should jolly well respond more proportionately. They should send some very stern mobile phone text messages telling them to please stop, maybe even resort to some name-calling. It would be almost as effective as a UN disarmament resolution.

Reuters headline: "World outrage as Israel targets small furry animals"

Okay, sorry for the rant. I've just read the Protocols of Zion. It's all true, of course. Every word. Those darn Jooos. There's a Joo behind everything, you know.

Speaking of Joos, a quick message from our sponsors

This week's post is brought to you by philanthropist, Billy Gates. Did you know that Bill Gates provided more than $10 million to hand over 1,000 acres of highly productive greenhouses in the Gaza Strip to Palestinians after the Joos were evicted? The Palestinians trashed them all, of course, and now they're worth nothing. But it's the thought that counts.

Now back to more important things. The "studio's" roof was mostly finished, complete with razor-sharp ridge capping. Remind me to never climb up onto the roof or touch it ever again. Naturally, it required a test period of rain. Victorian weather duly obliged and provided me with suitable roof testing periods. I should be happy that it only leaked in ONE place.

All visible mistakes have been digitally edited out

Meanwhile, I bought a brand new door jam on Ebay for 20 bucks! Saved around $60! Whilst that will not go far towards healing the loss of $1300 on Ebay earlier in the year, it did mean I could spend the savings on a new door. Which I succeeded in butchering to get into the jam. I presume the name "door jam" signifies that one must forcibly jam it into the available space.

Naturally the kids helped out by mostly staying out of my way and not killing eachother.

It's important that Sam feels I trust him with power tools

In fact there was a lot of trust all round

In my family, traditionally we have never really celebrated Father's Day or Mother's Day. I think this habit came about as a result of two things. Firstly, both days were fabricated by department stores to sell stuff. Here's the proof; when do you ever see an advertisement for Supercheap Auto on Mother's day weekend, huh? Huh?

Secondly, the particular parent in question each has their own birthday. So if you want to buy them pointless gifts, that's the time to do it. Then at Christmas everybody gets gifts anyway, so nobody can complain that once a year is not enough.

I just want you to know my door is always open.
No, seriously, it's always open. It won't shut properly.

How gratifying it is that our odd little family tradition has been validated by the Civil Liberties lobbyists. As if they can enrich our society any more than they already have. We're so blessed now that we have been banned from telling Irish Jokes, opening doors for women and suggesting things like marriage and family are a good idea. We're so enlightened now that we must teach our kids they are all a big cosmic accident, they have no origin, destiny, or purpose, and then sit back and wonder why they kill themselves at such a massive rate.

What were we thinking? To have a special day to honour "Fathers" clearly offends people who aren't fathers?

You all have my permission to screen dump the following and print them as bumper stickers.

Hopefully then nobody gets offended, and you can still go gift shopping at department stores. Providing you buy gifts that are non-offensive, no sexually opressive things like power tools. Perhaps a carpet swatch or a blank piece of paper. Luckily I got my door jam already.

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